IELTS Writing task Essay with its evaluation

Here’s an IELTS Writing task essay submitted by a student. One of our expert trainers has evaluated it and submitted a model...

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Here’s an IELTS Writing task essay submitted by a student. One of our expert trainers has evaluated it and submitted a model answer for it. The question as appeared in IELTS Writing task cue card is given below.
Terrorism has become more influential nowadays leading to increased threat among the common men who intend to live peace and tranquillity on earth.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own-knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.
Student’s Original Essay
Terrorism has become more influential nowadays leading to increased threat among the common men who intends to live peace and tranquillity on earth.Terrorism is the greatest menace facing by today’s world and spreading its tentacles all around globally.It is the cruelest crime from all other violence, mainly affecting the innocent people who leads his life with peace and placidity on earth.This essay presents the major reasons behind this phenomenon and support with relevant examples.
To begin with, first and foremost reason behind the terrorism is lack of education.For instance, in 2013 a bomb exploded near the popular hotel in Hyderabad which ruined the life of many innocent citizens along with children.
In addition, unemployment in nation is leading cause of terrorism.In order to earn more money, citizens are misleading to perform tasks against the law.Even these terrorism not only cheating the public but also the Government. Moreover, Everyone is getting frightened by terrorist activities.poverty is another reason for terrorism.Lack of money makes person to do illegal things for getting sufficient money.For an example,10 years old boy was sent prison because he tried to steal the bread, this situation makes a person to take revenge on law and order.Hence terrorism creating violent atmosphere all around world.
In conclusion, terrorism is a hazard for mankind.The government should impose laws that must address reasons for terrorism.Every individual has right to protect the nation just by binding to laws.Moreover, law and order must provide harsh punishment to offenders in a way that they can learn moral.
Error Marked Essay
Terrorism is the greatest menace in facing by today’s world and is spreading its tentacles all around globally.It is the cruelest crime among from all other crimes violence, main affecting the innocent people who want to lead their his life with peace and tranquility placidity on earth.This essay presents the major reasons behind this phenomenon and supports it with relevant examples.
To begin with, first and foremost reason behind the terrorism is lack of education.For instance, in 2013 a bomb exploded near the popular hotel in Hyderabad which ruined the lives of many innocent citizens along with children.
In addition, unemployment in nation is leading cause of terrorism.In order to earn more money, citizens are misled and forceding to perform tasks against the law.Even  These activities are terrorism not only cheating the public but also the Government. Moreover, Everyone is getting frightened by terrorist activities.poverty is another reason for terrorism.Lack of money makes a person to do illegal things for getting sufficient money.For an example,10 years old boy was sent prison because he tried to steal stolen the bread, this situation makes person tke revenge on law and order.Hence terrorism is spreading violence and fear creating a violent atmosphere all around the world.
In conclusion, terrorism is a hazard for mankind.Government should impose laws that must address reasons for terrorism.Every individual is responsible has right to protect the nation just by binding to laws.Moreover, law and order must provide harsh punishment to offenders in a way that they can learn to live in peace.moral.
Essay Evaluation and Answer Analysis as done in IELTS Writing task
Objective: Band 6

  1. Has addressed all parts of the task.
  2. Has presented a relevant position although it is repetitive.
  3. The essay has an adequate number of paragraphs including an introduction and conclusion.
  4. The essay has an adequate number of words.

Coherence: 6

  1. Has arranged ideas coherently.
  2. Has used cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and between sentences is faulty.

For Example:
The Student has written: In order to earn more money, citizens are misleading to perform tasks against the law.Even these terrorism not only cheating the public but also the Government.
It should be: In order to earn more money, citizens are misleading and forced to perform tasks against the law.Even These activities are terrorism not only cheating the public but also the Government.
Grammar: 5

  1. There are grammatical errors regarding prepositions, articles,sub-verb agreement etc.
  2. Has made frequent grammatical errors which are causing some difficulty in understanding the meaning conveyed.

For Example:
The student has written: Terrorism is the greatest menace facing today’s world and spreading its tentacles all around globally.It is the cruelest crime of all other violence, mainly affecting the innocent people who lead his life with peace and placidity on earth.This essay presents the major reasons behind this phenomenon and support with relevant examples.
It should be: Terrorism is the greatest menace in facing by today’s world and is spreading its tentacles all around globally.It is the cruelest crime among from all other crimes violence, mainly affecting the innocent people who want to leads their his life with peace and tranquility placidity on earth.This essay presents the major reasons behind this phenomenon and supports it with relevant examples.
Vocabulary: 6

  1. Has used a limited range of vocabulary.
  2. Has to use vocabulary suitable to the text.

For Example:
The student has written: ….. illegal activities and finally creating secluded atmosphere.
It should be: ……. illegal activities without knowing the repercussions.and finally creating secluded atmosphere.
Overall Band Score-6
Model Essay as it should be in IELTS Writing task
 

Nature has bestowed us with a beautiful world to live in.However,terrorism has become a big menace these days.This essay will discuss the reasons with examples.
A few decades back, we could travel anywhere at any time without giving it much thought but today, that’s not the case. Wherever we go there is a lot of security ,whether it is a shopping mall,airports,train stations etc. So, because one never knows where there would be a bomb blast or shooting etc.Terrorism is an ideology by a particular person or group which believes in spreading violence and fear among people. Also, for carrying out their doctrine they hire young,unemployed youth from poor backgrounds. For example, the Boko Haram has young children as recruits and they have done many terror related activities in Kenya,Nigeria etc.
The first and foremost reason for terrorism is unemployment. The second reason is poverty. Poverty makes people join Terrorism.
To conclude, the government and individuals should work hand in hand to get rid of this problem.The government should create jobs and decrease the rate of unemployment. Individuals should introspect and lead a peaceful life in order to make this world a better place to live in.

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