Essay Writing Evaluation with model answer

Here is the recent exam Essay Writing Question appeared in Writing task two.The answer has been evaluated and a model answer is...

Avatar Written by Arpit Gang · 3 min read >

Essay Writing Evaluation with model answer

Avatar Written by Arpit Gang · 3 min read >

Here is the recent exam Essay Writing Question appeared in Writing task two.The answer has been evaluated and a model answer is specified.

Today more and more students are deciding to move to a different country for higher studies. Do you think that the benefits of this outweigh the problem?

Student’s Essay Writing
A good investment in high education today is guarantee to the better career tomorrow. Parents nowadays value quality education therefore they do not hesitate to send their wards abroad to pursue higher studies. But every decision has both pros and cons. This essay will explore the possible reasons for the choice and critically evaluate the trend.
The major advantage lies in the better acceptance of the foreign degrees back home and likelihood of better paying jobs associated with it. For example in Jawahar lal University many of the professors all across the science stream have decorated foreign degrees. which indicates that we regard the foreign knowledge superior than our own. Thus such people are more likely to be handed over a teaching job. Apart from this many student go abroad for study so that they may have brighten their chances of immigration into that country. One could easily see how Canada immigration authorities accord higher points to those who have studied there.
The flip side of studying abroad is a cultural shock, soaring expenses, education loans and even faceoff with racism etc. When anybody reached faraway country he is likely come to terms with altogether different culture one would take time to adjust to their customs, For instance an MBA course in Canada costs 26000/- dollars in university fees alone.
Looking into both the aspects I suggest, going abroad for higher studies is a tough decision and that one should go abroad for higher studies only if the goals and budgets are well set and planned and when the person is amenable to cultural changes.
Essay Writing Evaluation
Objective: Band 7.0

  • The author has showcased the advantages and disadvantages of studying aborad.
  • The word count is 280 i.e. a little more than the word count of 250-270 words.
  • The essay has been divided into introduction, two paragraphs on the benefits and problems of the same view, and final conclusion.  

Coherence: Band 4.0

  • Two to three sentences are long and incoherent.  

Incorrect: “A good investment in high education today is guarantee to the better career tomorrow. Parents nowadays value quality education therefore they do not hesitate to send their wards abroad to pursue higher studies.”
Correct: “A good investment in higher education today is a guarantee for a better career tomorrow. Parents nowadays value quality education.  Therefore they do not hesitate to send their wards abroad to pursue higher studies. ”

Grammar: Band 4.0

  • Appropriate usage of punctuations, modals.

Incorrect: “For example in Jawahar lal University many of the professors all across the science stream have decorated foreign degrees. which indicates that we regard the foreign knowledge superior than our own.”
Correct: “For example in Jawaharlal University many of the professors, all across the science stream, have decorated foreign degrees, which indicate that we regard the foreign knowledge superior than our own.”
Incorrect: “Apart from this many student go abroad for study so that they may have brighten their chances of immigration into that country. One could easily see how Canada immigration authorities accord higher points to those who have studied there.”
Correct: “Other than this many students go abroad for studies so that they can brighten their chances of immigration to that country. One can easily see how Canada immigration authorities award higher points to those who have studied there.”
Vocabulary: 6.0

  • This essay presents a decent range of vocabulary but still better can be done.

Overall Band: 5
The model Essay Writing should be-

‘Today more and more students are deciding to move to a different country for higher studies. Do you think that the benefits of this outweigh the problem?
The youth of today seem to be joining the bandwagon of going abroad to pursue their further studies.  This trend has its share of benefits and drawbacks and this essay is an attempt to analyze the two aspects.
While the country boasts of prestigious academic institutions, there is still a craze amongst students to apply for universities abroad.  Foreign university courses offer better insight and knowledge into the subject as compared to the courses offered back home.  The courses are accompanied by internships that help the students to gain a practical learning experience.  All the theory and practical helps in making the student a subject matter expert. So,  thereby making him/her highly valued in the job market. Better career prospects leads to better professional and personal development,. Also, better living standards and possibly an opportunity to settle abroad.  For instance, most of the Indians who wish to settle in the US see the student visa as a relatively simpler and easier medium of achieving their American dream.
However, the saying goes “no pain no gain”.  Studying abroad is no cake walk and comes with its share of challenges.  The courses would end up costing anyone an arm and a leg.  In addition to the university fees, the boarding, lodging, food etc further adds up and becomes an expensive proposition.  Moreover, students staying away from family causes homesickness that has the potential to impact their academic performance.  Above all, the racial discrimination against foreign nationals. So, especially amongst the student community is quite rampant and at times takes a violent and ugly turn.For instance, nonresident students in Australia are often exposed to such discrimination.
Going by the above two angles,foreign education can undoubtedly a sure shot passport to better professional and personal growth prospects. But, the choice of pursuing it is purely left to the students and their families. Since, affordability and risk taking ability are key factors that influence their decision.

  Essay  Writing  Evaluation should include these properties. We also have a free evaluation done by our trainers.Check it out! We also have a band Predictor for you to calculate your own band. Try it out.
If you have more help, you can write back to me for more queries.

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