This question recently appeared in IELTS Writing Task 2 on 13th April 2017
Question asked in IELTS Writing Task 2:
“Nowadays schoolchildren and students are taught to be competitive towards their classmates and aren’t encouraged to help the weaker students. Do the disadvantages of this outweigh the advantages? Give your own opinion and support it with relevant examples.”
Sample Answer given for the question asked in IELTS Writing Task 2:
The feeling of competition among pupils has surged in this modern world. This can be a positive aspect but, it is not really as they are discouraged to help those students who are not as good in studies. In my view, the drawbacks of this trend outweigh the benefits. Children learn more when they work with one another as this can help them to imbibe other qualities which the less capable students might have.
In today’s world of cut throat competition, children are fueled with the feeling of winning at any cost. This could undermine a school child’s motivation. This leads to unhealthy competition which is not good  for the youngsters.  For instance, a study  conducted by American Academy of Pediatrics showed that around 80% of the children in a school wanted to score better than their peers than make their own previous grades better. Consequently, if these pupils did not score better  than their classmates, it might lead to resentment and prove detrimental to their own self-esteem.
Further, young people prefer to stay in their own shell and are not willing to lend a helping hand to their weaker counterparts. This is largely because they have become selfish and self-centered. Â For example, earlier students used to study in groups, and both the average and intelligent students profited out of it. This method of studying created an environment of team spirit. This trait of co-operation was inculcated in the personality of the students and helped them to become better individuals, which in turn led them to become good citizens of the country. But the present trend might have a negative impact on the society at large and on the families of the students in particular.
To summarize, it can be seen that being overtly competitive has more cons than pros. I believe that parents and teachers should make efforts to diminish unhealthy  competition in young minds for their betterment. It is predicted, that in future, such ill-feelings towards one another might make a person more insure and less confident.
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English 
Hindi
In this success-centered world,children and students are forced to be competitive and do not have any concern towards their weaker classmates.In my opinion,this competition can bring about more problems for the children compared to any advantages it might bring.
Admittedly,there are some basic benefits for the students who are competitive.Firstly,they are motivated to work hard in respect to the success of their opponents.For example,a student who is in second place is encouraged to be diligent in her studies in order to defeat her opponent who holds first rank.Secondly,it can help the student to thrive in this competitive world.For instance,students need to be experienced in order to pass a lot of hurdles in their life to gain success.
Nevertheless,despite the advantages above,I believe that children would face serious drawbacks from this unhealthy competitive behavior .One potentially dangerous problem is that they would develop hatred towards others and become more self-centered.This can lead to psychological imbalance,isolation and other brutal forms of behavior.Another obvious issue is that these students would find it hard to accept failures in their life.This is mainly because ,if a student helps his fellow beings who are weak in studies ,he can share their feelings of failure and he can understand from their life that failure is just a natural process and anybody can easily get out of it.
In conclusion, disadvantages of an unhealthy competition far outweighs the minor benefits it can bring about.
Hi Ayona, Here is an evaluation to your submission:-
Objective: You have met the objective to a good extent hence. You can get a 7.5 in this domain
Coherence: Most of the sentences are too wordy and need to be made concise, for example the introduction can be simply be written as ” In this success centered world, students are forced to be over-competitive which results in lack of concern in them for their fellow classmates. In my opinion, this approach will bring in more problems than advantages for the children” This wordiness pegs you to 6 in coherence department. My advice is to always proof-read what you write and try to make sentences shorter once they are written. With time this is an easy gap to fill
Vocabulary: You have shown the necessary variety in vocabulary, neither have you stuffed un-necessary words, in this domain you will again score a 7
Grammar: The frequency of grammar errors is low and in-frequent. Hence you will score a 7 in this department as well
Thus your total score according to me would be:
Objective: 7.5, Coherence: 6, Vocabulary: 7, Grammar : 7
Overall you will land may be graded 6.5 to 7 for this task.
Advice: Work on your sentence formation. Try to make them crispier and you might reach in the 7.5 – 8 band zone
thank u so much sir,for your valuable information
You’re welcome
Hai,can u have a look on my essay.
Hi Tisha, Surely. Please send you essay
Thank u
i have sent it….can u correct it plz?
Hi Tisha, I have gone through your essay. Here is my analysis.
1. The objective of the essay is served correctly. However I might want to deduct some marks here because of the structure of the essay. May be because you have typed the essay out, I am unable to see paragraphs. But in exam, make sure you have an intro followed by at-least two paragraphs, one for advantages and one for dis-advantages. Let the last paragraph be a conclusive take away. I would grade your objective to be at 7
2. You have shown reasonable variety in vocabulary without stuffing in unnecessary and flashy words. Hence in this domain you can get around 7
2. Coherence : Your coherence needs work. You are using too many words in your sentences. My advice to you is avoid using very long and complex sentence structure. Another advice would be write the essay in the form of small pointers and then weave them into paragraphs. This helps in reducing wordiness. I am quoting one examples of wordy sentences from your essay
your sentence: ” First of all,a competitive environment could motivate the students to perform well their academics and they work hard to achieve more than their peers So, they became self motivated and give more efforts to gain their targeted scores”
Notice that you have used the word Motivate twice. I am now going to forward the same message in a concise manner:-
” Firstly, a competitive environment can motivate students to more efforts towards their academics and outperform their peers thereby increasing their overall grade”
I would grade your coherence at 6,
3. Grammar : You have made several grammatical errors:-
– “but make sure that…” this direct speech, like a dialogue or instruction. You cannot use it in an essay
– “they encouraged to help..” error of tense
– “…that outweigh the advantages it bring out” the use if “it” is incorrect.
For these errors in grammar I would grade you 6
Overall grade and advice: I think your overall essay writing grade would hover between 6 to 6.5. But with the right mentor, you can improve by a band.
Thank u Anirudh…How can i fix my grammar mistakes? can u give me an advice?Any specific area in grammar
Hi Tisha,
You can surely fix you grammar errors. Here is my advice:-
Start reading at-least 1000 words daily. Read every word with complete attention. Start writing 100 words everyday. Proof read what you have written. If possible take help from someone who can correct you writing
The Morden era of learning in school drastically changed now.They taught children that winning in race is most important no matter how..
The students are encourage to take down your classmates to ahead in competition….if you will not defeat them then someone else will grab your victory….Earlier time when competition is not much exist scholer student in class support weakest student in study in order to take advantage of other curriculum activites..it obviously create co ordination and skill sharing technic to win lifes race from very beggining…In addition The upbringing of weak peer is not only responsibility of head master good classmate is added advantage…..
The victory in what so ever you do is essential to become successfull….To stay in competitive world one must self centerd to his individual goal…..if you underestimate your peers or subordibate soon your professional journey will eaten up by them….The cut throat cometition is prevailing everywhere…The monopoly is become extinct in morden times due to technological innovation…..
I opine that to take edge in competition you should bring down whoever comes in your professional way but keep in mind that weaker person should not affected by doing so…
please asses my essay…..
Hi Savan,
Your essay would score between 4 to 5 in all four sections. Here are my reasons:-
– Casual use of “…”
– Paragraphing is not proper
– Grammatical mistakes are more than 5 including spelling errors, tenses, connectors and articles.
– You will lose marks in Coherence for using in-appropriate vocabulary
I suggest you should take proper guidance from an expert trainers if you are aiming for 6 band or more. You must also do a lot of reading and writing on a daily basis and get it evaluated with an expert.
Is you are diligent, you can improve 2 bands in about 2 months of rigorous training
Thanks anirudhji for assessment of my essay I want 6 band in writing and speaking…..
must exam is scheduled in September end your guidance needed to achieve higher band score in this 2 month time I am working in private bank so couldn’t get much time every day so how I get higher band with mimimum effort
Savan, My recommendation is you hire a personal trainer or join an online class which offers personal trainer. Spend a month only in general purpose reading, small writing bits and grammar. In second month your trainer should take on IELTS specific strategies. In second month focus on essay writing
Thanks for give me good advise
Please send me more essay if possibile
Thanks
It is undeniable fact that in this success oriented world being competitive is taken to be as on the great assest and this trend is leaving its impact on educational sector as well where children are being taught to be competitive with their fellow students .i firmly believe that its drawbacks outweigh its positive impacts .
Admittedly , it hold certain advantages . The first and foremost one is that they are becoming capable enough to beat this practical -oriented era where everyone is in rat race to achieve higher than another person . Secondly , the standard of living is also increasing and it is achievable only if students will focus more on themselves or in simple words being self centred is the one of the easiest solution left .
Apart from its advantages , this competitivness is creating differences among the pupils and ruining the care free period of their life . This can even take a dangerous turn and students can even harm their fellow classmates . Recent reports by the educational department of india suggested that 3 out of every 20 students try to bring the intelligent children down by harming them physically . This is ultimately giving rise to crime among younger sector of society
To sum up , its disadvantges outweighing the advantages and children can learn better when they are sharing their knowledge with others . Moreover it will also help in creating cordial relationship among them
Please correct my answer of the asked question which I have posted before half an hour .
The pupils in the school are motived by many ways to reach their goals and achieve what they intend to. The competitive with their classmates is considered to be one of the most reliable tools to advance their progress. However, that can contradict with the idea of helping others and supporting the weaker students in the class.
In my point of view, the drawbacks of competition outweigh the advantages of benefits. The pupils are shown to be more interactive and intellectually thinking when they work with group. Consequently, that will help them to build up their capacity of solving the problems and get the depth of what they study.
In past days, the spirit of team work and sharing ideas was very well implemented and practiced by pupils during last decades. Therefore, the old generation were prone to help, have a very strong team spirit and sense of responsibility towards others. Despite the current population of pupils where we can see the selfish ideas and thoughts are the concept which followed by the many students. That is because the students have the desire to be number one and best one in the class.
To summarize, I believe that the, teachers and parents as well can diminish the unhealthy feeling of pupils competition.
can you kindly review my essay and provide me with constructive feedback
Nabiha, Please find the analysis here. For an instant feedback, I would advice you approach the members sitting on chat. In any case, here goes your review
The overall rating of this essay will be around 5 band. Reasons:-
– Essay is 212 words long, you will lose bands for not writing at-least 250 words
– To much use of passive voice is not seen as a good sign for opinion based essays
– You have committed too many errors of grammatical structures
For ex: ” The competitive with their …” is wrong. ” capacity of solving the problems” should be “problem solving ability”, “work with group” should be “work in groups” there are more than 10 such errors which means loss of band
– You have a tendency to chose inappropriate vocabulary, for example “prone to help” should be “inclined to help” …”current population……selfish ideas and thoughts are concepts” should be ” current generation of students is highly self centered”
Recommendation: You should focus on working on your basic English taking professional help for about 3 months. Then you can go for IELTS.
plz review my essay
Indeed, the feeling of competition among the pupils with their peers has commonly accepted in this prevailing era and momentously, they become self centered now a days.Here I believe that its negative outcomes more contrary to positive results so I am going to examine my views in upcoming crumbs of my writing