IELTS Writing task evaluation and model answer

This is one more IELTS Writing task Essay Evaluation question with a model answer attached to it. Some people think that the...

Avatar Written by Arpit Gang · 2 min read >

IELTS Writing task evaluation and model answer

Avatar Written by Arpit Gang · 2 min read >

This is one more IELTS Writing task Essay Evaluation question with a model answer attached to it.
Some people think that the government should ensure the healthy lifestyle of people, but others argue that it should be decided by individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Student’s IELTS Writing task Essay Submission
Many people believe that the government is responsible for implementing ways to improve healthy lifestyles of people. While others argue that leading a healthy lifestyle is an individual choice. This essay will discuss both views and provide my opinion.
When it comes to health, there are many ways the government can do to promote healthy manners to its people. For example, the government can impose a tax on junk foods. Also, there are other ways like, building parks and stadium that encourage the people to exercise. In addition to that, the government can also promote health by forecasting programs and advertisement about health on tv and radio. Furthermore, conducting health related seminars and camps are another method of health promotion. Thus, it is true that the government policies and initiatives help the people to have a better lifestyle.
On the other hand, there is no denying the fact that, individuals are equally responsible for maintaining health. The lifestyles that people adopt is based on the choices that people make.No matter how hard the government tries, if he does not want to be healthy, then the government has nothing to do about it.
In my opinion, it is the responsibility of the people to ensure a healthy pattern. The individual should take conscious effort in abstaining from unhealthy practices. The health promotions that the government undertakes become successful only when people decide to remain healthy.
In conclusion, maintaining a better lifestyle depends on the individuals. Refraining from deleterious practices is the best way to remain healthy.
 IELTS Writing task Essay Evaluation
Objective: Band 7.0

  • The author has detailed out both the viewpoints i.e. govt initiative vs individual initiative.
  • The word count is 273 i.e. a little more than 270 words.

Coherence: Band 4.0

  • Two to three sentences are long and incoherent.  

Incorrect: “Many people believe that the government is responsible for implementing ways to improve healthy lifestyles of people.”
Correct: “Many people believe that the government is responsible for the healthy lifestyles of its citizens.”
Incorrect: “This essay will discuss both views and provide my opinion.”
Correct: “This essay will discuss both views while providing an opinion.” OR “This essay will discuss both views and provide an opinion.”
Incorrect: “In addition to that, the government can also promote health by forecasting programs and advertisement about health on tv and radio.”
Correct: “In addition, the government can also promote healthy lifestyle by broadcasting related programs and advertisement on social media.”
Grammar: Band 4.0
Appropriate usage of articles, subject verb agreement, punctuation.
Incorrect: “Also, there are other ways like, building parks and stadium that encourage the people to exercise.”
Correct: “Also, there are other ways like building parks and stadium that encourage people to exercise.”
Incorrect: “The individual should take conscious effort in abstaining from unhealthy practices.”
Correct: “An individual should make a conscious effort in abstaining from unhealthy practices.”
Vocabulary: 6.0

  • The vocabulary can be better.

Overall Band before Essay Evaluation: 5
IELTS Writing task sample essay

Whether healthy lifestyle is an individual or a state prerogative has always been a bone of contention.  This essay will attempt to study both the viewpoints and provide an opinion.
Some individuals refer to it as a state matter since healthy citizens are the biggest asset for any nation.  Healthy citizens result in overall well being of the nation with negligible medical expenses and a high happiness quotient.  For instance, in most of the developed nations in the West, government interventions such as free medical aid, subsidization of  expensive treatments, mediclaim coverage to all citizens alike keeps the population healthy and in good spirits.  Having secured the well being of its citizens, the country is then able to focus on other matters of strategic and national importance.
However for some factions, health and lifestyle are purely individual and personal choices.  As per them, our lifestyle, activity patterns, food habits, diet is a reflection of our beliefs, family background, the region we hail from, the culture and tradition we follow etc. Similarly, the choice to opt for gym, yoga, power yoga, brisk morning walk, meditation etc is purely an individual’s right.  By following a combination of the above diet and exercise regimes, individuals define their health and lifestyles.
I personally feel that while healthy lifestyle is a by and large a personal choice, but coupled with government intervention under the banner “prevention is better than cure” can help take the overall level of medical health and standard of living of the people to a comfortable position.  

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