Essay Writing Evaluation with model answer

Here is the question that has appeared in the IELTS Exam for Essay Writing. It is generally accepted that families are not...

Avatar Written by Arpit Gang · 6 min read >

Essay Writing Evaluation with model answer

Avatar Written by Arpit Gang · 6 min read >

Here is the question that has appeared in the IELTS Exam for Essay Writing.

It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be. Give reasons why this change happened. Suggest how families can be brought closer.

Student’s Original Essay Writing
Nowadays, its is undeniable fact that relations between the family are becoming far apart and there are several contributors for this trend which i am going to explain in this essay. This essay also highlights a few suggestions which can make familiy bonding closer.
Firstly, in todays competitive world, people are struggling day in and day out to eke out their livelyhood and finding absolutly no time to spend closely with their closer relatives. This trend is going unlike in the past in which people used to spend their weekend in the villages in the name of family getherings, birthday parties or anniversaries, or for dining out together with all the family members. In addition, educational institution are also to be blamed as todays education is so hectic that children are hardly getting their weekends to go and spend time for family getherings . Lastly, a dangerous working habbit is being practiced, nowadays, especially in the youth is ‘work from home’ which is making people to glu themselves to their laptops even doing family celebrations like birthday parties and festivals and this trend is really loosing an intimate bond between the family members.
Coming to the solution for making families closer, it is advised to all the member of the family to allot a day ina week spending time with family. Secondly, managing to celebrate most important occasions like birthdays, wedding anniversaries and festivals with all the family members. Thirdly, taking annual vacation together with family members not only make their mind refreshed and rejuvenated but also make the event an everlasting memory in the minds of the people and this makes a powerful bond between them. Furthermore, concerted effort of government organizations, corporate companies and educational instututions to make a uniform policy of implimenting standard and flexible working time for employees and school or college timings for students so that people should get at least a day weekly off and 2-3 weeks of annual vactions.
In conclusion, I completely agree with the statement that todays families are not as close as there were before because of the hectic lifestyles of the working employes and students, and this could be prevented by regular family gatherings and also by avoiding stressful lifestyles.
Error Marked Essay Writing
Nowadays, it is  an undeniable fact that relationships between the families are falling becoming far apart and there are several contributors for this trend which i am going to explain in this essay. This essay also highlights a few suggestions which can make family bonding stronger.closer.Firstly, in today’s todays competitive world, people are struggling day in and day out to eke out their livelihood lively hood and find ing absolutely absolutly no time to spend closely with their close r relatives.
This is a trend is goingin the present time unlike in the pastin which people used to spend their weekend in the villages in the name of family gatherings getherings, birthday parties , anniversaries or for dining out together with all the family members.
In addition, educational institutionare also to be blamed as today’s todays education system is  so hectic that children are hardly getting any free timetheir weekends to go and spend time   with for family gatherings . Lastly, a dangerous working habit habbit is being practiced, nowadays, especially among st the youth who are working from home ,due to which they are glued to their laptops even when there is a family function taking place as a result ,losing family bonding.
Coming to the solutions, for making families come closer, it is advised to all the members of the family to allot a day in a week to spend ing time with each other family. Secondly, managing to celebrate most important occasions like birthdays, wedding anniversaries and festivals with all the family members.
Thirdly, taking annual vacation together with family members not only make their mind refreshessand rejuvenates them ed but also makethe event an everlasting memory in the minds of the people and this develops makes a powerful bond between them. Furthermore, concerted effort of government organizations, corporate companies and educational institutions instututions could have to make a uniform policy of implementing implimenting standard and flexible working timings for employees and school or college timings for students so that people should get at least a day weekly off and 2-3 weeks of annual vacations.
In conclusion, I completely agree with the statement that today’s todays families are not as close as there were before because of the hectic lifestyles of the working people employees and students, and this could be prevented by regular family gatherings and also by avoiding stressful lifestyles.
Essay Evaluation and Answer Analysis
Objective: 7

  1. Has addressed the main ideas of the topic.
  2. Presents ,supports and extends the main idea.
  3. The essay is too long i.e 405 words,he should limit it between 280-300 words.

Coherence: 7

  1. Has elaborated on different aspects of the topic.
  2. Has logically organised the information.

Grammar: 5

  1. Sentence structure needs improvement.
  2. He attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences.
  3. Needs to learn the correct usage of prepositions and subject-verb agreement.

For Example:
Nowadays, its is undeniable fact that relations between the family are becoming far apart. Also, there are several contributors for this trend which i am going to explain in this essay.
Thirdly, taking annual vacation together with family members not only make their mind refreshed and rejuvenated but also make the event an everlasting memory…
Nowadays, it is an undeniable fact that relationships between families are falling apart and there are several contributors to this trend which I am going to explain in this essay.
Thirdly, taking annual vacation together with family members refreshes and rejuvenates  them.
Vocabulary: 5

  1. Uses an adequate range of vocabulary with some repetitions.
  2. Lot of spelling mistakes.

For Example:
Firstly, in todays competitive world, people are struggling day in and day out. Especially, to eke out their livelyhood and finding absolutly no time to spend closely with their closer relatives. This trend   is going unlike in the past.
Firstly, in today’s competitive world, people are struggling day in and day out to eke out their livelihoodThis is a trend in the present time. So, unlike the past, in which people used to spend their weekend in the villages in the name of family gatherings. For example,  birthday parties , anniversaries or for dining out together with all the family members.
Overall Band: 6
Model Essay
There are many factors contributing to this trend. This essay will address the reasons and also give some suggestions to families to bond better.
 In yester years, there used to be joint family system . The children pursued the same career as the father. So,  for example , a farmer’s son helped him in  tilling the land and they stayed together  in the same house. Due to high cost of living in the cities and with the aim of making ends meet. So, both mother and father started working leaving no time to communicate with other family members.
The schools are also keeping the children busy with hectic curriculum thereby giving them no time to interact. The advent of social media, smartphones etc. are also some of the reasons for people having no time for family.People should try and meet for family functions, festivals or go for vacations together and build happy memories for themselves. 
Schools and colleges should ease the pressure of studies on children .
There are many factors contributing to this trend. This essay will address the reasons and also give some suggestions to families to bond better.In yester years, there used to be joint family system.  So, thereby having a great bonding among them. The children pursued the same career as the father . So, for example , a farmer’s son helped him in  tilling the land and they stayed together  in the same house.
However, slowly the children started moving to other cities in search of better job opportunities, education etc. Also,  families disintegrated into smaller nuclear ones. Due to high cost of living in the cities and with the aim of making ends meet. Also, both mother and father started working leaving no time to communicate with other family members.
The schools are also keeping the children busy with hectic curriculum thereby giving them no time to interact with relatives. The competition for college admissions is immense.The advent of social media, smartphones etc. are also some of the reasons. People should try and meet for family functions. Also, festivals or go for vacations together and build happy memories for themselves. 
Schools and colleges should ease the pressure of studies on children. Specially, for at least two weeks twice in a year.

So,  Essay Writing  Evaluation should include these properties. We also have a free evaluation done by our trainers on Essay Writing.Check it out! We also have a band Predictor for you to calculate your own band. Try it out.
If you have more help on Essay Writing, you can write back to me for more queries.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *